Wow, it’s been a while since I last posted. Probably has something to do with being in the hospital.
This has truly been a difficult period in my life … in our lives. On August 11th, I went into the hospital for what was supposed to be surgery and one night’s stay. That one surgery and one night stay turned into so much more. Eight days, uncountable tests, and two surgeries later I finally went home with a stint in a bile duct.
I feel like I have been beaten up. In those eight days, I couldn’t have solid food; just liquids or for four days … nothing at all!!! So far, I have lost about 16 pounds and still losing. Hopefully that will regulate soon. Next week Yadith has surgery, and just 12 days later I need to go back to the hospital for another procedure. I am praying that this will be it; if this doesn’t work, the alternative is not something I want.
I did not expect to have this issue or spend that long in the hospital; however, here we are. I have had to change my diet and am still getting used to what I can eat without consequences. I am told that if this procedure doesn’t work, then I will have another more serious surgery; if it does work, then I will probably have to repeat the procedure (sphincterotomy of the sphincter of oddi) every 10 to 15 years. This is not exactly great news; but it could have been worse.; at least I do not have pancreatic cancer … praise God.
Recovery is fun … LOL. OK, not quite. But I am starting to feel better; I just have some unusual pains in the right side. The incisions are healing, and I can use the muscles a little more … this is all good news.
On the spiritual side I have to say that I have learned a lot … more than I could have ever learned in another situation.
During the week after I was told I had pancreatic cancer I did a lot of “soul searching” and finally acquiesced to God. I finally got to the point where I could say “Lord, your will be done,” but “please give me the strength to get through it.” Since then I have been getting closer to God and my wife.
It is amazing; even now I am learning as my wife goes for surgery. I feel as though I must give her to God as a sacrifice. This sounds insane I know. I have never loved another person like I love Yadith, nor will I ever again. But I must not place her before my Lord, my God. I must accept God’s will for both of our lives and trust in Him. I do, but it is hard. It is so hard to see my wife go through this as well. God is faithful though … He is providing the strength.
We are still learning, but wow, what a journey!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Things I have learned
He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. - Job 2:10
Wow ... what a week? On July 31st I was told that I needed to have my gall bladder removed, but more importantly that it looked like I had pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to ...
All I could think was "How much time did I have left?" and "How could God do this?" I mean, I just got married, Yadith's uncle past away, I already had surgery, and Yadith being diagnosed with thyroid cancer - ll in the last four months. Are you kidding? This as well?
So many things went through my mind in those last few days. I discovered so many things about myself, many of them that I didn't like. After struggling for weeks with everything, this was the last straw; I couldn't bear any more. I finally gave up; I finally gave it all to God.
Isn't it funny that we think we have control over anything? Isn't it funny how we are so proud? Who am I that I think I can tell God what to do? Who am I that I think I can manipulate our Lord?
I tried to manipulate God; how many know that this is really not a great idea and it certainly doesn't work?
It took me several weeks to learn and to surrender.
Just because I don't like something doesn't mean that it is not the best way. Just because I am hurting does not mean that God does not love me; perhaps just the opposite. Thank you Vince for your wisdom, experience, and knowledge. Thank you Lord for not leaving me; in fact just the opposite. Thank you Lord for loving me so much.
I can't believe it took all of this to get my attention. I made a commitment several years ago to God; I accepted Christ as my Saviour. Maybe I should say He accepted me. I made my prayer Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." But yet I found many character flaws these past several weeks; I do not like them, and I pray and ask that the Lord helps me change them.
How can I be so unfaithful Lord? Yet you still love me so much! How can I say such thing about you? Yet you still love me so!
I need surgery, my wife needs surgery, and I have a kidney problem - yes, but I will praise you Lord. I will thank you for what all you have given me - I am yours! Thank you for bringing me back. Thank you for not forgetting about your servant. Thank you for humbling me.
This is the perfect opportunity for me to decrease and you to increase - may this be evident in my life. May You be evident in my life.
Wow ... what a week? On July 31st I was told that I needed to have my gall bladder removed, but more importantly that it looked like I had pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to ...
All I could think was "How much time did I have left?" and "How could God do this?" I mean, I just got married, Yadith's uncle past away, I already had surgery, and Yadith being diagnosed with thyroid cancer - ll in the last four months. Are you kidding? This as well?
So many things went through my mind in those last few days. I discovered so many things about myself, many of them that I didn't like. After struggling for weeks with everything, this was the last straw; I couldn't bear any more. I finally gave up; I finally gave it all to God.
Isn't it funny that we think we have control over anything? Isn't it funny how we are so proud? Who am I that I think I can tell God what to do? Who am I that I think I can manipulate our Lord?
I tried to manipulate God; how many know that this is really not a great idea and it certainly doesn't work?
It took me several weeks to learn and to surrender.
Just because I don't like something doesn't mean that it is not the best way. Just because I am hurting does not mean that God does not love me; perhaps just the opposite. Thank you Vince for your wisdom, experience, and knowledge. Thank you Lord for not leaving me; in fact just the opposite. Thank you Lord for loving me so much.
I can't believe it took all of this to get my attention. I made a commitment several years ago to God; I accepted Christ as my Saviour. Maybe I should say He accepted me. I made my prayer Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." But yet I found many character flaws these past several weeks; I do not like them, and I pray and ask that the Lord helps me change them.
How can I be so unfaithful Lord? Yet you still love me so much! How can I say such thing about you? Yet you still love me so!
I need surgery, my wife needs surgery, and I have a kidney problem - yes, but I will praise you Lord. I will thank you for what all you have given me - I am yours! Thank you for bringing me back. Thank you for not forgetting about your servant. Thank you for humbling me.
This is the perfect opportunity for me to decrease and you to increase - may this be evident in my life. May You be evident in my life.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thinking ...
I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. - psalm 16:8
Friday, July 31, 2009
wow
Ok, so sometimes you just have these days ... lol. Lately though I think it's more common to have these days than not.
Last week my wife was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I guess this week I'm up. After a few tests and finally some results getting to the doctor I actually got to see him at 2:00pm today. As I was checking in, I saw a results sheet from an abdominal ultrasound that I had just taken the day before ... I was thinking "boy that was fast." Then I saw the bottom of the sheet "Strongly recommend CT scan of abdomen and pelvis." ... Great!
It seemed like forever sitting in the exam room just thinking (Love my brain). So the doctor came in and introduced himself and started talking to me. I thought this was kind of a "regular" exam after an upper endo.
He started reading the results of the ultrasound out loud until he got to something like "pancreas" followed by some other words that I couldn't make out then "We'll have to look into that more ... " "Let's get a ct scan, are you allergic to dye?" Right about then I started to feel a little sinking feeling. Then of course he blurts out "looks like you're going to loose your gall bladder." Are you kidding me?
Wow, what a great day. Can I just worry about one thing at a time. I mean, being honest, my wife's cancer is much more than enough. I guess the whole "pancreas" thing freaks me out!!
My prayer:
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands. Pslam 138:8
Thank you Lord for all that you have given me and continue to give me!
"… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39
Last week my wife was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I guess this week I'm up. After a few tests and finally some results getting to the doctor I actually got to see him at 2:00pm today. As I was checking in, I saw a results sheet from an abdominal ultrasound that I had just taken the day before ... I was thinking "boy that was fast." Then I saw the bottom of the sheet "Strongly recommend CT scan of abdomen and pelvis." ... Great!
It seemed like forever sitting in the exam room just thinking (Love my brain). So the doctor came in and introduced himself and started talking to me. I thought this was kind of a "regular" exam after an upper endo.
He started reading the results of the ultrasound out loud until he got to something like "pancreas" followed by some other words that I couldn't make out then "We'll have to look into that more ... " "Let's get a ct scan, are you allergic to dye?" Right about then I started to feel a little sinking feeling. Then of course he blurts out "looks like you're going to loose your gall bladder." Are you kidding me?
Wow, what a great day. Can I just worry about one thing at a time. I mean, being honest, my wife's cancer is much more than enough. I guess the whole "pancreas" thing freaks me out!!
My prayer:
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands. Pslam 138:8
Thank you Lord for all that you have given me and continue to give me!
"… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Another day
"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever" - 1 Chronicles 16:34
Although sometimes I feel like I can't give thanks to the Lord or that I can't praise Him, I always come back to the same point. The truth that God is good. I think I forgot that this past week; I just complained with him. Why was my wife sick? Why couldn't it be me? In my pain and hurt, i neglected to look at my history. I neglected to look at all God has done in my life and the life of my wife. I didn't look at the blessing that this really is - yes, we've only been married for four months, but I should be so thankful that we found this now and can take care of it.
No, instead of this I just complained ... and worse, I pushed myself away from Him.
My friend, who is an incredible scholar and a spiritual master, said to me that this would be the greatest challenge that I have encountered so far - because of the love I have for my wife. He was right; this is horribly difficult. My problem was that I didn't go to the right place to lay down my burdens.
Why are these lessons so difficult?
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" - 1 Corinthians 15:57
Although sometimes I feel like I can't give thanks to the Lord or that I can't praise Him, I always come back to the same point. The truth that God is good. I think I forgot that this past week; I just complained with him. Why was my wife sick? Why couldn't it be me? In my pain and hurt, i neglected to look at my history. I neglected to look at all God has done in my life and the life of my wife. I didn't look at the blessing that this really is - yes, we've only been married for four months, but I should be so thankful that we found this now and can take care of it.
No, instead of this I just complained ... and worse, I pushed myself away from Him.
My friend, who is an incredible scholar and a spiritual master, said to me that this would be the greatest challenge that I have encountered so far - because of the love I have for my wife. He was right; this is horribly difficult. My problem was that I didn't go to the right place to lay down my burdens.
Why are these lessons so difficult?
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" - 1 Corinthians 15:57
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thoughts and a woman ... hmmm
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4:6-7
From the title of this entry, you might get the wrong idea ... lol. Let's start with the thoughts:
Over the past week, I have been tossed around like a ship in the middle of a hurricane ... maybe I should say that I have let myself be tossed around. I have let ridiculous thoughts come into my head to the point I wanted to give up, I didn't want to hear about God any more. I didn't want to listen to a "pretty" song praising Him.
This is really interesting. I was about to give up credentials, dreams, and desires. How is this even possible? Well, let see. The Psalmist tells us in 10:4 that "in his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." and again in 13:2 "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" 1 Corinthians 3:30 "The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile."
Wow ... what have I been doing? Trying to control something that I cannot, something that hurts so much that it is unbearable, and I want to change it. God forgive me for what I have thought and said!
This is where the woman comes in ... well, God, a woman, and the Holy Spirit! That woman finally had enough of my wallowing and running that she confronted me. Good for her! Thank you Lord for an amazing wife! Thank you for the Faith you have given her.
Hebrews 3:1 states "Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess." And James 2:4 says "have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?"
Years ago I surrendered my life to Christ; my favorite scripture was Gal 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." However, here is a new test. Can I surrender the life of my beloved wife? Do I trust God with the life of my wife? Do I really believe that God is in control of this situation? Will He be my comforter? Is He truly my all powerful God that I believe Him to be?
The Answer: Yes.
The result: Stop believing the thoughts in my head.
Do I like it: Well, no, I really don't like the situation, but God is God and I am not! I will however praise Him in good times and bad!
From the title of this entry, you might get the wrong idea ... lol. Let's start with the thoughts:
Over the past week, I have been tossed around like a ship in the middle of a hurricane ... maybe I should say that I have let myself be tossed around. I have let ridiculous thoughts come into my head to the point I wanted to give up, I didn't want to hear about God any more. I didn't want to listen to a "pretty" song praising Him.
This is really interesting. I was about to give up credentials, dreams, and desires. How is this even possible? Well, let see. The Psalmist tells us in 10:4 that "in his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." and again in 13:2 "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" 1 Corinthians 3:30 "The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile."
Wow ... what have I been doing? Trying to control something that I cannot, something that hurts so much that it is unbearable, and I want to change it. God forgive me for what I have thought and said!
This is where the woman comes in ... well, God, a woman, and the Holy Spirit! That woman finally had enough of my wallowing and running that she confronted me. Good for her! Thank you Lord for an amazing wife! Thank you for the Faith you have given her.
Hebrews 3:1 states "Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess." And James 2:4 says "have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?"
Years ago I surrendered my life to Christ; my favorite scripture was Gal 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." However, here is a new test. Can I surrender the life of my beloved wife? Do I trust God with the life of my wife? Do I really believe that God is in control of this situation? Will He be my comforter? Is He truly my all powerful God that I believe Him to be?
The Answer: Yes.
The result: Stop believing the thoughts in my head.
Do I like it: Well, no, I really don't like the situation, but God is God and I am not! I will however praise Him in good times and bad!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Trials
Well, what can I say ... Being married is great :). That's not the trial ... lol. In the last 4 months since our wedding we have experienced loss of a very special family member, surgery, and the latest ... cancer.
This last one I speak of is of my wife. This will probably be the focus of the next few entries as I try to find myself in the midst of it all.
This latest trial is certainly going to be one that challenges me on many levels. I can say with great certainty that this is the most difficult thing I have faced to date. I never thought I could hurt so much. I am emotionally drained at this point and am praying for strength.
It is so difficult to have that phone call come in and tell you that they found "abnormal cells." Like he wording makes it better or something. And on top of it having to deal with insensitive doctors.
The last part of this week was difficult also as I find myself now waiting on a report of biopsies ... it's nerve racking, especially right now. Let's pray that they all come back negative. I don't think I could handle that news as well as my wife's.
This last one I speak of is of my wife. This will probably be the focus of the next few entries as I try to find myself in the midst of it all.
This latest trial is certainly going to be one that challenges me on many levels. I can say with great certainty that this is the most difficult thing I have faced to date. I never thought I could hurt so much. I am emotionally drained at this point and am praying for strength.
It is so difficult to have that phone call come in and tell you that they found "abnormal cells." Like he wording makes it better or something. And on top of it having to deal with insensitive doctors.
The last part of this week was difficult also as I find myself now waiting on a report of biopsies ... it's nerve racking, especially right now. Let's pray that they all come back negative. I don't think I could handle that news as well as my wife's.
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